Angel baby

Thursday, November 16, 2017

(About 3 weeks ago our little baby left to be in the light)

Today we would have been 20 weeks - halfway to, we thought, the day we would meet our little guy or girl.
But it was not meant to be: on Friday we found out that our little baby had passed away. This post is in English, it is sad, and you don't have to read it if you don't want. I just feel like I have to write about it.

When we went in for our 19 week ultrasound there was no heartbeat.
I heard the heartbeat for the last time when I went into the midwives office at exactly 17 weeks. They measure and estimate that he or she must have passed away shortly after that. All they could tell us is that it’s not our fault but that it was just not a viable pregnancy. 

Wow, what a crazy day. Expecting to check out all the exciting details of our little babes, we were shocked to receive this news. Shock, unbelief, and then extreme sadness.  A fog, a crazy world that doesn't make sense. What? No way! Can this happen? Really? No... Wow... yes.
I'm not even sure if I still fully believe it. Even though I had the D&E procedure done yesterday.  

(Not my photo but the emotion of what this whole experience is like is captured so well in it)

(Me at 17 weeks pregnant)

I feel like I have to write about this because I think it will help me express my sadness and anger about how things were handled. I think I need to rant. So here it comes.

Here is my rant:

On our drive home from the sad ultrasound. Midwife: "I don’t know about these things, you’ll have to call the clinic but they close in 15 minutes." Can’t get through at clinic. Midwife: "Oh, then go to emerge. You just may have to wait for a few hours, because this is not a life threatening situation, but it's the only way to get your answers." Went to Canmore emerge (40 min drive). Were sent back home, they don’t do that. 

Wait until Monday so we can call the clinic. Ok wait for two days. My mantra: "ok this sucks, but Monday we'll be able to talk to someone and get our answers".

Calling the clinic on Monday. Voicemails, different numbers to try and call and on hold and voicemails for a total of  2 hours. Then I ask: “Or are they maybe closed for the long weekend?” Oh yes, yes they are. 

Go to family doctor. Wait for over an hour past the time of our appointment. But ok was referred to the Foothills hospital emergency. Waited there (waiting again!!!) for three hours but after being in emerge for 5 hours we talked to a gynaecologist and got the answers to my two questions. 

The next day I would be called by the women’s clinic to set up an appointment. By noon I grew impatient and called. Guess what... anotherrrrr voicemail message! They are closed between 12 and 1 for lunch -uugghhh!! 

Anyways I got in touch with them shortly after 1. After (oh yes it's not over yet..!) only being asked once if they could call me back, which they then forgot about, so I had to call them back, we were able to finally (5 days later..!) get all of our questions and concerns answered and an appointment set up. 

I am so angry and sad and frustrated. Ok, so midwives don't know about pregnancies ending between 13 and 20 weeks. Apparently this is more rare or something... But then why wouldn’t my midwife be able to contact one of her contacts and find out these things for us? Why is there not a “gyny on call” that I could talk to for 5 minutes when something like this happens? Why can someone in this situation only be helped by waiting for hours at emergency? (because it’s not a life threatening situation) Why does it fall to the parents and not the midwife to arrange all of this and hunt for the answers? Why do the parents, that are living in a weird dark world of confusion, have to be put through this painful process to not alone set up the awful next steps that have to happen but on top of that even to get their questions answered to be able to choose which steps are right for them.

The two day D and E procedure (day 1: insertion of the Laminarias/seaweed sticks and day 2: the surgical procedure) is a whole other story full of unpleasant details. But that we expected. The hellish 6 days leading up to the procedure we sure did not...